Fire Brigade/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's a man who's been called the greatest canadian cultural icon since michael j. Fox, the man who put the "wood" in "hollywood," my uncle, your host -- red green! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for tuning us in. It's a lousy, rotten job, but somebody's got to do it. And speaking of a guy who does a rotten job, have you met my producer/director, harold? Hello, world. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Well, I guess that would be the second disaster up at the lodge this week. The first one happened a few days ago. A bunch of the guys decided they would try a little truck farming, so they went out and bought a little truck. And they were gonna put some vegetables in there, and sure enough, within about a half an hour, stinky peterson was caught up a tree, buster hadfield has electrocuted himself, and moose thompson set his hair on fire. Golly, it's no wonder so many young people are leaving the farm. Uncle red, is that what all those sirens were about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, they spaced their actions out about four hours apart, so the fire trucks had to come back and forth three times. You know what? I read somewhere that if you call the fire department too often, they're gonna start charging you for every call. Yeah, well, that's what they told us. We got to pay them now every time they come out. Yeah! Exactly. That's exactly what I read. I read that somewhere. I read that. Now we said the same -- I read that somewhere. I don't remember where I read it, but I read that. I did. Shut up, harold. Okay. So, what we've decided to do is to form our very own volunteer fire department up here, and the guys are pretty excited about it, except for the volunteer part. You know where I read it? You know where I read it? On tv. Yeah. That's why I couldn't remember where I read it, because I saw it on tv. I didn't even read it. [ laughs ] it was in front of me, that way. You know. Would you mind if I smacked you, harold? You go right ahead. I'll phone the fire department, and it's gonna cost you. Well, now, see, I would consider that money well spent. [ laughs nervously ] ♪ should've seen old man sedgwick last night ♪ ♪ dancing in the lodge by the pale moonlight ♪ ♪ he jumped on the table and hopped through the stew ♪ ♪ he leapt on the mantel and yelled twice and threw a shoe ♪ ♪ he jigged on the woodstove and burned off his sock ♪ ♪ he danced out the front door and splashed off the dock ♪ ♪ he bounced on the bottom, going way down the lake ♪ ♪ man, when he gets a charley horse ♪ ♪ it's a dandy ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you something fun you can do with a bed, for those of you who are over 50 and are looking for alternatives. I got this idea when I was stuck in a traffic jam out on the highway. They had one of them big machines. It's a one-step deal. It breaks up the asphalt and pulls it into the thing, and it melts it all down, then it puts it back down and rolls it flat. And I thought to myself, maybe we can do the same thing for gardening -- a one-step machine. I got this antique bed that was left over from old man sedgwick's honeymoon, so I knew I wouldn't have to worry about metal fatigue. All right. Now, step one. What you want to do is get yourself an outboard motor and mount this to the footboard -- or, as we call it, the transom, okay? And when you mount it, mount it with the prop going forward, because this here is gonna be your cultivator. Now, if you got the loam, you might be able to get by with, say, oh, a 9.5 evinrude set for trolling. But if your yard is full of clay and stones and maybe a couple of buried woodstoves, you might have to move up to a 300-horse mercruiser v-6 with trim tabs and power tilt. Maybe get the prop off a cessna 150. But either way, whatever engine you use, you're gonna mount it onto the bed using exactly the same technology. The handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. Now, if you go with a big motor on this, you might want to use, say, two or three rolls of duct tape and then really secure her down, maybe 100-pound test line or even a couple coat hangers. Now, I've used the same technique to attach these coatracks to the sides of the footboard, and we got a couple of hot-water bottles hung here. Really stripped down old man sedgwick's room for this project. And then we got plant food in this one, and we got weed killer in this one, and then they come down through these hoses. It's a gravity feed, kind of like moose thompson on spaghetti night. And the two chemicals are joined together into this bedpan, where they're turned into fertilizer. Kind of apropos, isn't it? Now I've added a reading light to the coatrack there. I mean, what we'd ever need a reading light at the lodge for is beyond me. But this allows us to do our planting at night. The hot-water bottles are all set to go here. And I've added an umbrella for a little extra protection, which is something you want to think about when you're near a bed. And, now, these pillowcases I mounted on the back here. What I'm gonna do is I filled the one. I'll just top this baby up with some flower seeds. And then the seeds come out the hole in the bottom, planting flowers as we go. I got some bulbs here, and I'll just fill up my pockets with the bulbs. What I can do with them, see, is just bounce them off the bed as we're going along, just like that, you know? Oh, missed the bed. We used to do that -- used to do that as kids. 'course, we used hamsters. You know what would be, I think, a real treat here is why don't I go and put my pajamas on, just to kind of get in the spirit of the whole rig here? Hang on a sec. I -- I forgot. These are my pajamas. Okay, well, I think we're all set. Just before we turn that real ugly-looking piece of crap into a real nice garden, I'll just remind you that if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, I'll just start this up. [ engine turns over ] okay. Umbrella up there. And, uh, we're going gardening. And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." and here to prove that point on "the experts" portion of the show, of course, is my uncle red and his good friend mr. Hap shaughnessy. All righty. "dear experts, I want to live a life "filled with excitement and adventure. "I want to live on the edge, "to gobble up the world and spit it out. "I want to plunge headfirst into danger "and shout at the devil, but I don't have the nerve "or even anything remotely dangerous "or different in my life to even think about trying that. "is there a secret that gives the courageous people the courage to do adventurous adventures?" well, yes, there is, harold. It's called total lack of foresight. I mean, if these idiots could see what was coming, they would never become parachutists or racecar drivers or parents. I'm gonna have to contradict you on that, red. I mean, taking risks, that's an obligatory part of the human experience. Where would we be if I hadn't taken risks? There'd be no such thing as insulin... ...No passenger-side air bags... No -- no united nations. No lie-detector tests. Excuse me. I think we're just getting a little bit off topic here. Our viewer wants to know if there's any hints that you can give him about developing courage. Well, here's a trick that I used just before I jumped the english channel. I stared at myself from top to toe in the mirror, and I said, "all right, all right. "if this doesn't go well, "well, then what's the worst that can happen? "you got two sets of everything -- "eyes, ears, arms, legs. That makes one of them a spare." "you got a 50% margin for error." hell, with fingers, you can make nine mistakes and still be able to dial 911. Buzz, can I talk to you for a minute? Buzz? [ humming ] [ drill whirring ] [ whirring stops ] aw, man! Stupid piece of crap! Red! How's it going, man?! Whoa! Ow! Hey, harold, come here, come here. It'll be funny. Aw, you wuss! So, did you see that drill? It just cut out for no reason. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, buzz, we're starting a volunteer fire brigade up here at the lodge. I know! They asked me to be the guy that sounds the alarm. Get a load of this. I got some stuff here. Watch this. Look at this. Fire! Fire! [ bell ringing, air horn blowing ] buzz, buzz, all I need is for you to wind up the hoses. Wind up the hoses?! Yeah, that's it. Aw, man! Winding hoses? That job's a total yawn. That's wienie work! Why don't you get harold to do it, man? You know what I'm doing? I'm converting my plane into a water bomber. Yeah! I'm gonna fly over the fire, then I'm gonna dive bomb and douse it with water. You stay here. I'll dive bomb you with some water. Red: You know, I think buzz means well, but the problem is he always gets carried away with everything he tries to do. And for the small fires, you know what I got? I got this for the small fires. Yeah, and if you were a small fire... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! ...You'd be out by now. You'd be put out. I am put out. Don't you sweat it, red. With me around, if there's a fire, you know I'll be there. Yeah, I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it. Fire! Fire! Fire! Oh, uncle red? Did you have a little problem with the volunteer fire department? Well, we got real lucky out there. I had just finished forming the whole volunteer fire department, and suddenly one of the vehicles caught fire. So, talk about good timing. Wasn't the possum van, was it? No, no, harold, the possum van won't burn. Believe me. I've tried that a thousand times. Now, unfortunately, we couldn't save the vehicle, but we did prevent the fire from spreading to anything else. Wa-a-a! It was the fire truck, wasn't it? That's a "yes." well, the trouble started when buster and stinky, they bought one of those old street cleaners to use as a fire truck 'cause, I mean, it carries water, and we figured with that sweeper in the front, it ought to be good for brush fires. Of course, they brought her up to the lodge. She was bright yellow, and so they painted her all red. Then they found out that the fire departments now are painting theirs bright yellow. So they painted her bright yellow. Then they found out that that's only the fire departments in the city and that the ones out in the country are painting them red. Shows up better or something. But the yellow paint hadn't dried yet, and so that was the yellow on the red on the yellow. And so what they did was they painted her again, but this time with a quick-drying red lacquer. Excuse me, uncle red. I would think that that would make the paint run like water, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, I would think so, too, harold, but then our brains aren't clogged with paint fumes, are they? So, now what we had was three paint jobs sliding off the truck and heading out towards the lake. And I think they would've made it, too, but they crossed paths with the barbecue. Oh, that's when the fire started, right? Right around that time. So, now the truck is not really yellow on red or red on yellow. It's more of a basic black. And the big question is, what do you do with a useless, burnt-out wreck? Well, you could make him host of his own show. [ guitar playing ] ♪ oh, the elbow is throbbing ♪ ♪ from the strength of the force ♪ ♪ the shoulder is separated ♪ ♪ it may get a divorce ♪ ♪ the wrist is all numb ♪ ♪ the fingers are swollen ♪ ♪ and if this outboard doesn't start on the next pull ♪ ♪ she's going into the lake ♪ red: Well, look here, bill's cooking lunch... ...To go. No, bill, the barbecue's gone there. I felt bad about that. I'm sorry, bill. But it's time for another adventure anyhow. Hope I didn't ruin things too bad by kind of totaling the barb. Oh, no, look. Yeah, these are kind of a simple unit, these barbecues. You can't really hurt them too bad. We put her back together, and I feel better about that. There you go, bill. Put that in there. I wonder what he's planning to cook today. I was feeling a little hungry about now. There we go. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy. Yow! Yeah, matches will do that, bill. Well, now he says to me, "look, okay, forget the barbecue. We're gonna have to make a campfire." and the first thing we're gonna do is clear all the leaves. You know, when I think of the number of things bill has pulled out his pants over the years... Anyway, I start with the rake, and I'm gonna... But I guess it wasn't fast enough for bill. Oh, boy. Boy, that just goes right up your nose and in your ears. He's gonna -- yeah, bill, this is great. What a great idea. That's bill. Super guy. Yeah, it's all done, anyway, and we're all set now. We can start to build our camp-- what do you got now, bill? Oh, for gosh sakes. Wow. I'd hate to do his laundry. Now we're gonna go out and split some wood. I guess the idea here -- there's an old stump. Boy, that stump is... That's pretty... That's pretty mushy stuff there, bill. But luckily there's just lumber lying all around the lodge, so grab a bit of that and a bit of this, and away we go. Yeah, yeah, looking good. I put my load down. I suppose I should've -- I probably -- sorry, bill. Ohh! Well, anyway, that's all -- he's all right. We got all the stuff together. You know, the indian style of building, like, a little tepee type of a fire. He's just gonna use the same technique, only a lot bigger but the same, absolutely the same. I think this is kind of clever stuff. If a design works miniature, it should work bigger. Then, you know, like -- and then, of course, put the juice to her there. That's the old barbecue starter. I've never seen that before. Look out, bill. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Boy, that's just the same design as that barbecue was, isn't it? That's kind of a nice look for you, bill. There we go. He's all right now. Now bill, whenever he has a setback, he just completely ignores it and he starts going right at her again. So, I thought I just would stand back and let the inventor just kind of take care of the whole thing. And he built a campfire there that was up, I'd say, 12, 13, 15, uh... 6, about 7, 8, 12. It was a tall one. Then he put the barbecue really -- and he -- he had really soaked that in there, and I thought, "you know, bill, you might've put a little too much." but anyway, he's going in there. We're gonna have a fire here. And, uh, I hope we're gonna get lunch. Bill, what happens if this fire really takes off? Have you thought about that, bill? 'cause it might. Whoa! And now here's that special moment of the show where younger viewers get to say, "you know, we have a guy like that in our school." well, it's a whole new week, it's a whole new me, and it's a whole new show. And it's for teenagers, and it's called "dating above your station." and, no, it's not for people who live above a subway. Okay. It's for teenagers -- say, guys -- who want to date girls who are really, really attractive or maybe they're older than him or they get just way better marks in school than him. But that's only because he doesn't want to date girls his own level because they're immature, they're shy, and they all claim to be washing their hair for the next nine years. So, anyway, okay. You got that particular girl picked out, right? So, you look up her phone number, and you give her a call. But you got to do it in a different way. 5-1-5... You got to do it in a way that she'll think it's somebody else, basically. And then that way, she won't hang up on you right away. So, what you do is you act cool and calm and collected and just pretend you're really good-looking, like maybe a movie star or something. You know, like kevin costner... Ernest. [ haughty english accent ] hello? Yes, hello, andrea. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's harold green here. Yes, very good, thank you. And you? I have some primo tickets to the nirvana concert this weekend, and I had my car completely reserviced, so I thought it might be fun if we got together, you know, got better acquainted, that sort of thing. What? Oh. No, no, no, no, no. I'll pick you up around 8:00. How does that sound? Ah, very, very good. Harold, what are you doing? That phone won't be in order for another two weeks. [ normal voice ] I was just practicing, you know. [ chuckles ] [ haughty english accent ] no problem, then. I'll call you back when the phone's actually hooked up that way, you could respond. "it is winter. He stands by the chimney. "his cheeks and nose are rosy red. "his whiskers are edged in white. "smoke curls from his mouth. "his suit is tinged with black soot. "I warned him to connect the ground wire before he plugged in the christmas lights." well, with us starting our own fire department, we're concerned about forest fires, so I went and asked ranger gord if he could describe the condition the woods are in. Green. Green. Green and leafy. No, I meant about the fire-danger level. Oh, oh, oh, it's low. Low. Yeah, I keep track of it on my graph paper here. Uh... Some days it's, uh, high. Some days... Some days it's medium-high. Some days it's...Medium. Some days it's medium-low. And... Some days it's low. Yeah, right, right. In fact, it's almost time to take a reading, if you'd like to watch me. What time is it? It's almost exactly 4:00. 12:30. No, not time yet. Well, all right. You know, gord, we've been having a couple of fires up at the lodge lately, and we know how dangerous fire can be. Oh, yeah, yeah. And your worst hazard is lightning. Lightning? Yeah. Luckily, though, my roof is made of metal, so the lightning will strike my tower before it strikes the trees. Oh. That used to really, really bother me. But now, you know, I figure fire prevention is my job. Yeah, yeah. So, you've been nailed a few times, have you? 17. And the lightning stays in your body, but that's okay, because at night, if you don't wear pajamas, you've got a night-light. Well, I guess we'll be going before it gets dark, then, gord. Don't have to. Well, you know, it's not too often we have a happy ending to our stories up here at the lodge. Usually, the best we can hope for is that the disasters kind of cancel each other out... Or, if there is any kind of personal injury, nobody gets blamed. Yeah, right, 'cause usually I get blamed. Oh, now, harold, do I detect a twinge of bitterness there? Yes! How can you call this a happy ending? The guys almost killed themselves. Spent a lot of money on a fire truck because it caught on fire. All the heat made the garage roof all buckle. Well, harold, I think it's just the age-old optimist versus the pessimist thing. You take a half a glass of whiskey, and the one guy says it's half-full. That's the optimist. The other guy says it's half-empty. That's the pessimist. And if it's milk. That's a baptist. [ screeching ] it's meeting time, uncle red. We got to go to the meeting. You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down there. Boy, the kids today have such pie-in-the-sky expectations, don't they? Anyway, this is the real happy ending, 'cause first of all, it's the ending. And secondly, I'm real happy because it's getting to the end of the day and not much more bad stuff can happen. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm gonna be bringing home about 50 or 60 fire extinguishers. It's just a little extra safety precaution. It's not a reflection on your cooking in any way. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, a couple of quick announcements. Apparently if all the equipment is returned by noon tomorrow, the local fire department will drop all charges against us.